Musings...

I can tell already that this post is going to jump all over the place, so I couldn't go too specific on a title. : ) My friend Jessica's mother passed away last week, and her funeral was on Saturday. I still haven't had the opportunity to talk to Jessica in person (I realize that viewings are typically held for this purpose, and there were two viewings, but I didn't attend either of them. I just really don't like viewings and avoid them whenever possible. Hopefully I'll be able to get together with all the girls later this week so we can spend some time with Jessica). Her mom had MS and had recently suffered a severe decline. So it's not like it was terribly unexpected for her family, but it has still made me contemplate the role of mothers and what it means to me to be the mother of my children. I've come to the conclusion that all the "motherhood fears" I had before my kids came along (i.e., cleaning up vomit) have now been replaced with one over-arching fear: I worry that they'll need me and I won't be there. In my mind, that could mean being out of touch about things that frighten or worry them; it could mean physically being unavailable to them, like Jessica's mom is now physically unavailable to her. That's one of my big worries right now. This probably sounds dumb, but before the birth of each child, I sit down and write a letter to each member of my family, including the new baby. See, when my younger sister was born, my mom went into cardiac arrest and flatlined for quite a while. The doctors were eventually able to revive her, but for a while, it really did look like my dad would be on his own with three little girls. I know that there is a very small likelihood that something like that would go wrong with my delivery, but it's not outside the realm of possibility. If something did go wrong and I wasn't able to be there for my children, there are things I'd want them to know. I leave the letters in my hope chest before I leave for the hospital. When I get back, I throw them away. I realize that this sounds very strange, but that's just me. : ) Maybe this time I'll leave them in the hope cheset until the next baby comes along; I suppose there's always the possibility that something could happen to me between children...

While I was gone at the funeral and also at a relief society function, Logan took the girls swimming at the Aquatic Center. I was so glad that he was able to do this -- and I have to give him bravery points for taking a three-year-old and a one-year-old to the pool by himself! It's more than I would take on, I can tell you that. Anyway, he said they had the time of their lives. I'm so glad they got to do someting fun together!

Yesterday evening we got a text message from Logan's brother asking us if we'd heard that President Hinckley had passed away. We hadn't heard, but every local TV station soon confirmed it. I had the opportunity to shake President Hinckley's hand and speak with him briefly when I was 12. It was an experience that helped to form my testimony of living prophets. His was a lifetime of service, and I will certainly miss listening to him at general conference and other occassions. However, I'm sure he's overjoyed to be reunited with is wife Marjorie, who passed away a few years ago. I'm sure it's gratifying to look back on your life and know that the Lord is pleased with the choices you made and the service you gave.

A winter storm hit us just a few minutes ago, and it is fierce! We had thought it would hit a little earlier and that we'd wake up to a blanket of snow this morning. It rolled in about 10:00 this morning, and the wind is blowing the snow so that I can hardly see across the street. If it's still like this when it's time for Logan to go to class (he would have to leave at 1:45), I'm going to exercise the ultimate veto and tell him he can't go. Sardine Canyon is kind of scary just by itself; it's nightmarish in a blizzard. That's all I need -- to be a widow with three kids ages three and under. Yikes.

Well, time to get on about the day. Maybe I'll post something interesting one of these days!